Time has just been flying for me lately.  Presten is working from home for now and that makes life even busier.  Though he is an adult, I think most mom’s have experienced the added joy and burden of having their husband home often.  Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful to have him home and be spending so much time with him.  However, the stress caused by our money situation offsets that joy.

Aside from all that, life is beautiful.  The sun has been shining more and I feel like this winter was far less rainy and dreary than last winter.  It reflects my own heart because last winter I was still painfully dealing with my sisters death.  Though it still pains me to think of her life lost, it isn’t as bad as it was.

More recently though — just this past Thanksgiving — I lost a very dear friend to me.  She isnt dead like my sister, which makes it feel much worse.  She lives across town and yet I never see her.  I keep hoping to run into her at the store, but I fear she would run the other way.  We are no longer friends because of an altercation between her husband and myself and my husband.  Her husband did not agree with our POV and thought it best to end friendship.  Yeah, I thought it was a bit drastic.  If you care for someone enough, isn’t it worth mending the relationship and overcoming differences?

Any way… enough about that.  It is hard to not feel deeply depressed sometimes.  I feel like there is a lot weighing on me — our financial situation, the loss of my sister, missing my family, the loss of my closest friend, among other things.  That’s enough to make anyone depressed sometimes, isnt it?  My family worries about me sometimes, but its not like I’m about to jump off the nearest high building or bridge.  I am crucified with Christ and I know he guides my life.

I DO believe he has a plan, I just have a very hard time feeling okay about it all.  I feel like a very kind man as led me to the back seat of his vehicle, handed me a book called “The Bible” and encouraged me to get in.  The windows are so tinted I cannot see out.  I don’t know where we are going or how we are getting there.  I only know that at the very end of the trip lies a beautiful wonderful place.  During the trip I talk to him, but he says nothing back;  he only smiles with a look of love and compassion in his eyes.  Wouldn’t that be a little scary some times?  I think so…

I trust the Lord and I know his motives and heart for me.  I just don’t know the road.  The bumps are surprising and sometimes very painful.  But I know the end of the road is Heaven, so the road cant be THAT bad, can it?

Well I need to relax for a bit.  I feel stressed out. *sigh*  I wish God were a little more verbal.

IJNA
Supera Matris Maggie

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