I recently wrote about cherishing life. In my last post I ended with:

“What I am saying is simply to cherish life as if each moment is special and unique, because it is.”

This hit me hard. I have realized I haven’t done that. I haven’t lived like I cherish life. I haven’t lived each moment as if I know the brevity of life – but I do. I do know how short life is. With a sister dying at age 30 and a brother dying at age 49, I know life can be short.

However, I have lived my life as though it were a burden.

Not that my children are the the burden, or my husband, but rather Life itself. Life, for me, has been filled with so much struggle, pain and strife and enough death that I must admit it is something I’m not sure I want anymore.

I am not saying I want to kill myself.

What I am saying is I feel fed up with the struggles of life. I want life to be easy. My life has never been easy, but I know it could have been harder. (I cannot imagine how people life a happy life when they have been through even more than I have.)

For me, happiness is fleeting and joy is illusive. But I refuse to make that the state of my being permanently. And wha ti smore is that I refuse to give up!

I have a friend – a very dear friend – who confessed to me how unhappy he was with life. He compared himself to someone who lives their life thinking only of themselves – not because they are selfish or uncaring – but because they are indifferent. He said he feels “satisfied” with life, but not happy.

I don’t want to live my life like my friend – or like my brother, Dennis, who seemed to never overcome any struggle that came his way. His struggles stacked up like garbage similar to the the poem below. “Sarah Cynthia  Silvia Stout Would Not Take The Garbage Out” but Shel Silverstein.

garbageout

Notice the end. When Sarah decided to take the garbage out it was too late and she met an awful fate.

I suppose this blog – part two – is about not just cherishing life, but living life. Truly LIVING LIFE. I have another friend who happened to leave the fellowship of believers to become an atheist for many reasons but one seemed to be that he felt like God himself was a burden and that we only needed saving because God condemned us, if He even existed at all. (This is a subject for another blog.)

I could go on forever about the subject of God but all I will say here is that it is not God who is the burden, but rather my response to what happens in life. The loss of my brother, for example, has given me a choice to give up on life or keep living and make sure I actually live my life not just survive it. But I digress.

Again it is 1 a.m. and I am blogging. This turned out long. I hope you read to the end.

Let me end by saying what I believe living life looks like:

Taking pictures (because someday that is the only image you will have of someone), making memories, always doing your best to be your best and giving yourself and others grace and love.

This is the quintessence of life: to live a life where you are your best self, not to please people but rather because, aside from religious reasons, it is logically the best thing to do.

Life is easier when I am my best.

And with that I bid you good day, as I have scheduled this to post tomorrow.

Super Momma Maggie

(To Read Cherish Life Pt 1. click on this link: Cherish Life Pt. 1)

 

Written around 12 a.m. on Saturday, June 24th.

Today began like any other day. I woke up groggy, called my mom (as I do nearly every morning), and got dressed. What I didn’t know was that this would mark one of the hardest days of my life.

I was born the youngest of five siblings but it was complicated. My mom had given up her son for adoption when she was 19, so I wasn’t even raised with him. As for the others, Mary was my only full-blood sibling, but I was raised with my dad’s two sons from his first marriage as well, so they all felt like one big somewhat happy family. The only problem was that I think I was born too late. I mean, I know God know’s what He is doing and all but the gap between my siblings and I proved to be a problem.

Dennis was the oldest sibling I was raised with. He was brilliant – I mean a true genius. But like many genius people, he had his pitfalls.  Those are not for me to share, but lets just say he struggled his whole life to overcome his issues. His mother had died when he was young, which is how our dad ended up with my mom, and that trial was one he struggled with his entire life.

…A life which was cut short.

Dennis is gone, but never forgotten, as they say. The hardest part is that before he died we had “parted ways,” so to speak. We had a fight in person, which then became a fight over email which ended in us not speaking. The cut off from each other ended up being permanent as he is now gone.

I am sharing all this partially to get it out there. Additionally I think it sometimes death helps us realize just how blessed we are. I knew I was blessed with a husband, children, and family and friends, but I took one life for granted. When we cut ties I let it be. I thought, “he will come back some day and we will make amends.” I didn’t even try to make amends. It wasn’t pride, really, it was more that I thought I had time. We had cut ties before and then made amends. How would this be any different? I thought time would heal all wounds and we would be friends again. I truly believed that it would work itself out.

It didn’t.

What I want my readers to know is that life is short. It has been compared to lilies in a field which bloom one day and then another day are gone. I truly never know when my candle will stop burning, nor do I know when the next person I love, like or care about in any way will cease to reside on this plane of existence. This means I should cherish life.

What I am NOT saying is to fear death or in any way avoid living. Neither am I saying that one should just do whatever because you never know when your number will be up. What I am saying is simply to cherish life as if each moment is special and unique, because it is.

I am writing this at 12 a.m. so more later.

(To Read Cherished Life Pt. 2, click on this link: Cherish Life Pt. 2.)

Super Momma Maggie

I am 8 weeks pregnant, and then some. I feel excited but find myself checking the clock.  Yes, checking the clock!  I find time moving very, very slowly. My mother is visiting which helps time pass as we get work done, but when we are not working time is dragging. I find myself thinking, “Now what!?” What am I supposed to do now that I am pregnant?

It feels a lot like when I came to a realization many years ago. I was sitting alone, thinking to myself about my life. It dawned on me that I had now reached my goal. My biggest goal in life was to get married to a wonderful, Christian man and then have 12 children. While I had not yet had 12 children, and I doubt I ever will, I did have two children and the Christian husband I had planned to have. I felt like I had accomplished something great, and found myself thinking, “Now what do I do?” Of course the answer was simple, “Raise the silly kids!” (And the husband, actually.) But I still found myself wondering if there was something I was missing.

Nope. There isn’t. This is my lot in life: to be happily married and raise my children. Now I am having a third child and find myself very excited yet wondering if I missed something. I also find myself sort of holding my breath as I think about the birth of this child. I have experienced two vastly different scenarios giving birth.

With my first child, Cassie, I gave birth in a birth center. It was a serene and beautiful birth. The only pain I experienced was the moment she emerged causing a small tear. I used no medications and was grateful I did it on my own. I went home four hours later, feeling like I had conquered the world.

With my second child I had planned a home birth. We were living in Oregon at the time and after my first experience now 2 years ago, I felt confident in a home birth. Well that didn’t work out! I woke up at 2 a.m. bleeding and had to call my midwife over. She personally drove me to the hospital, promising I could come home if it was “nothing.” It wasn’t “nothing.” My placenta was tearing from the wall and I was bleeding to death, literally. This ended in an emergency c-section, but I was alive as was my beautiful baby girl.

Now I find myself pregnant and thinking about this birth experience. I am hoping for a VBAC.  That’s a normal birth after c-section.  Since the previous birth was an emergency c-section some of you might think this isn’t possible.  I but knew I would want a VBAC 10 years ago when I was headed into surgery.  At that time I kept repeating it, “I want a VBAC.” And several times during surgery I heard the nurse say, “No, she want’s a VBAC, do it this way.” So I do think it is possible.

Really I am finding whatever you believe is possible often is. If you believe you can or think you can’t you are correct! Well I believe I can have a healthy pregnancy and end it in a VBAC, delivering a healthy baby BOY. (I want a boy but haven’t had my discovery sono yet.)

letmestopmesigned

Here’s to having a happy, healthy pregnancy and delivering a happy, healthy child!

May you be blessed today and always.

Supera Mama Maggie

 

Ever felt less than?

I haven’t always been this way.  More positive than negative.  Honest with myself about how I feel, yet pushing on to feeling better.

Perhaps you have felt like I have in the past: Laying in bed late at night or very early in the morning, feeling not-so-great mentally.  Maybe you have even thought similar thoughts tho those I would think in the past.  “Would everyone be better off if I were dead?”  This thought has crossed my mind more than once.  Additionally, there have been times when I just wanted to go home to Heaven — not do it myself, mind you.  I just wanted to Lord to just take me home.

Elijah knew how I felt.  In 1 Kings 19, Elijah felt alone and wanted to die.  He said in verse 4, “I have had enough, Lord.  Take my life; I am no longer better than my ancestors [who are dead].”  He wanted to die!  What was God’s response?  Did God scold him for feeling weary?  Not exactly.  God says in verse 18, “Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel — all whose knees have no bowed down to Baal and all whose mouths have not kissed him.”  God reassured Elijah that he was not alone.

Yearning for Heaven or death is not altogether wrong and it is certainly something I understand.  The problem is when those thoughts become “how can I make it happen myself.”  That is when it gets scary for those who care.  And I have heard it said that sometimes not only do those who love us not understand what we are going through, but they also feel clueless as to what to do.  I am not at a place or point where I know exactly how to advise those who are concerned about someone else.  But I have plenty of advice for those struggling with depression, anxiety, emotional pain or suffering and the like.

I have learned what it is to Love Life.  I have learned to count my blessings.  Does that mean I never have a bad day?  No.  I still have rough days.  There are still days when I pray my way through every single moment of the day because it is just that hard.  But I pray.  I don’t bury my head in the sand or cry and whine on social media.  I know those things do no good.

What does help?

Prayer I don’t mean to sound all preachy or religious but, well, here goes!  I know that, for me, it helps to reach outside myself to someone else who is greater and bigger than me.  It takes some of the pressure off of me.  I feel like when I give my life and my struggles to God it takes it off my plate.  Then the issue is no longer “mine.”  It is in God’s hands and I can let it go.

Let it go.  I am learning the beauty of this phrase.  It was made popular by the movie “Frozen” and has taken on new meaning for me.  Ever since a rough day popped up and I was discussing it in earshot of my oldest daughter.  She did a little dance and sang in a half-shouting voice “Let it go! Let it GOOOO!!”  I laughed and cried a little and knew she was right.  Letting go of issues I cannot change is sometimes the best way to get through it.

Let God be at work.  Sometimes I find myself wanting things “my way.”  Don’t get me wrong here!  There is nothing wrong with dreaming big.  Dreams are the fuel that keeps me fighting.  Even so, things don’t always turn out the way I dreamed them to be.  In the end, God works everything out and when I look back and reflect upon how things turn out I know it is good.  It is God at work in my life.  God needs room to work and life goes so much smoother when I let Him move and work within me and my life.

up-house-tagged

“Dreams are the fuel that keeps me fighting.”

Trust that God is Faithful.  A good, steady study of who God is makes for a great study.  To anyone who has any interest in God whatsoever: consider just looking at the Holy Bible and asking yourself, “Who is God?”  Look at every story, every scripture from that angle and you will be enlightened.  I did this several years ago and I have found that it really helped me in my relationship with God.  I found a running theme: God’s faithfulness.  Numbers 23:19 says, “God is not a man, that He should lie, nor a son of man, that He should change His mind.  Does He speak and then not act?  Does He promise and not fulfill?”  There are many promises in scripture (another great study to do) and it is encouraging to know that God, in His faithfulness, keeps every one of them.

Live Loved.  I believe I am loved by God.  Psalms 139:13ff says, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made int he secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”  Why would this be true of God if He didn’t love me?  Who am I that God should pay me any attention?  Psalms 8:3-4 says, “When I consider your heavens, the works of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?”  Such an honest look at man.  We are something special because God says so!  He deemed us special and worthy of His love.  He showed us how much He loved us when He sent His one and only Son to die on a  cross for us.  I am loved.  And as one who is loved I live my life with gratitude.  I count my blessings and I recognize that each gift ultimately came from God.

These are just a few suggestions of things that have helped me.  I hope you have found some encouragement here today.  Feel free to leave a comment of something that has helped you when you felt down or anxious or just anything other than happy.

May you be blessed today and always.

~Maggie A. ‘Spoon

(I learned the phrase “Living Loved” from Lysa.  It is found in her book “Uninvited;” a great read.)

I know I don’t blog much… and maybe you are starting to wonder if I fell off the face of the earth. But here I am!!

hello!taged

Life is hectic for everyone — well maybe not couch potatoes — but it is for me!!

I have decided to homeschool my children and SURPRISE I am pulling them out beginning Monday, 5-9-2016. WOW!  What a huge endeavor for me!!  (Okay so I am using a lot of exclamation marks, but I feel very exclamatory this morning.)  I only have two kids right now and they are now 8 and 10.  But still I find myself feeling nervicited.  This is a word that I was exposed to with My Little Pony (yes I watch it with my kids).  It is obviously when you feel nervous and excited!  I do!!!  I want so badly for my children to receive the level of education that they individually  need.  Then there is the question: can I do it?  The answer: YES! With God’s help.

I know the Lord has blessed this endeavor as I have prayed and prayed and prayed and really thought this through and my heart just tugged me in that direction.  It was as if the Lord was saying, “Yes.  DO it.  You can with my help!”  SO I am!! 😀

In addition to homeschooling, I am still the Business Manager of my husbands chiropractic office. Whew!!  What and undertaking…  But it is very rewarding.  I get to see transformation in people’s health every day!  I feel excited to go to work — except on the rare days that my BPD gets me down.  But even then, once I am out of bed, I feel ready for the day ahead of me.  Speaking of which, I have to hop to it!!  But I wanted to say “Hi” and let you know that I am still blogging just right now not so often.  I will, hopefully, get back to it soon.

Thank you for your patience and I am glad you are still reading!

Keep pushing on and moving forward!! 😀

Supera Matris

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I share my life with the big wide world; my life as a mom, a wife and a Christian. I work to have original content that is deeper than you might expect but still enjoyable to read.

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